It's Valentine's Day in L.A. and Reed Bennett (Ashton Kutcher), a flower shop/cafe owner, is executing a truly corny proposal to his girlfriend, Morley Clarkson (Jessica Alba), who, to everyone's surprise except Reed's, says yes. His best friend, Julia Fitzpatrick (Jennifer Garner) is currently waking up with her new beau, Dr. Harrison Copeland (Patrick Dempsey), who informs her that he MUST fly to San Francisco --- and it's Valentine's Day --- hint, hint. Trust me --- it doesn't get any better. But I digress ---

In the meantime, we have Roberts and Bradley Cooper on a plane together flying back to L.A., each with their own back story. Then we have Eric Dane as an almost washed-up pro football player and Jamie Foxx as a second banana sportscaster. Also in the mix is Anne Hathaway performing phone sex in various dialects, and teenagers deciding whether or not to have sex. No, I'm not pulling your leg --- these are the characters populating this atrocious film. On top of everything else, not one couple exudes any chemistry, which is the fault of the casting. Poor Kutcher, neither Alba nor Garner generate any truly positive vibes with him --- at least he has Demi Moore at home.

Katherine Fugate wrote the screenplay and the story along with Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein. There is nothing remotely funny in this script. It tries exceedingly hard to be endearing, but fails at every attempt. There are far too many painful-to-watch scenes to adequately describe in one review, but the worst has Garner's schoolteacher character posing as a waitress explaining the daily special to her paramour and his spouse in salacious terms intended to make him squirm --- instead we're the ones left gagging. And, of course, her diatribe is loud enough for all of the other diners to overhear --- RIDICULOUS!

Teens will be stampeding the theaters to catch Taylor Swift's film debut, along with Taylor Lautner's (from the "Twilight" series) appearance. Since it's rated PG-13, it will be a big hit amongst the younger crowd. However, if you have any influence at all over your children, beg them to save their (or your) money. Swift is talent-less as an actor and Lautner doesn't have much to do except look stupid.

There is one mildly amusing line delivered by Roberts, but it doesn't come until the credits are rolling. It's a reference to her role in "Pretty Woman", which is a far better film from Marshall.

Opinion: Huge Don't Bother!

My rough count of 95 speaking parts in "Valentine's Day" shouts volumes about the inadequacies of this film. It's virtually impossible to do anything but scratch the surface of character development when the camera is shuttling around to so many different cast members and situations, many of which are so puerile it's shocking. Example: stalwarts like Shirley MacLaine and Hector Elizondo are Estelle and Edgar, married for 50+ years, when suddenly, on the eve of renewing their marriage vows, Estelle confesses to a brief affair with Edgar's business partner. I can't bare to tell you how they reconcile this little spat --- it's too painful.

Then you have Taylor Swift (why is it that casting directors seem to think all singers can act?) paired with Taylor Lautner (what a clever match) as teenage couple Felicia and Willy, with Felicia toting a huge stuffed teddy bear (a gift from Willy), throughout the entire movie.

Or how about Anne Hathaway playing Liz, who operates a phone sex line because she claims she can't find anything else to do that pays her decent money. Or Queen Latifah as Liz's new boss who not only condones the phone sex by her employee, but actually tries it out herself. Funny, huh? Not by a long shot. Embarrassing for the actors? Most definitely. (Hathaway, you may recall, was nominated for an Oscar in 2008 for "Rachel Getting Married".)

Then there's Jennifer Garner, trying to make the most of this horrific writing, playing Julia, smitten with Dr. Harrison Copeland (Patrick Dempsey) only to discover he has a (gasp) wife! She finagles a 5-minute waitress job to confront the good doctor, at dinner with his spouse, in a ridiculous tirade which you have to see to believe. There's so much more that could be described here about this exasperating movie going experience, but fortunately for you, the reader, space is at a premium.

There are a few quasi-redeeming match-ups (how could there not be with so many actors?), but none that can save this mess. Ashton Kutcher is Reed Bennett, owner of a flower shop, and he has some endearing moments, particularly with his delivery man, played by George Lopez, and with his employee, Julia.

Bradley Cooper (Holden) and Julia Roberts (Kate) are strangers who sit together on a 14-hour plane ride, but they have radically different agendas for their destination. Kate is returning on a brief military leave to see her young son, and Holden is returning home.

Director Marshall is not totally to blame for this torturous movie. First and foremost is Katherine Fugate (she wrote the screenplay and co-wrote the script with Abby Kohn and Marc Silverstein). The fact that Kohn and Silverstein collaborated on last year's delightful "He's Just Not That Into You" proves how hit-and-miss Hollywood writing can be. Fugate's main claims to fame are that she's (1) the niece of Barbara Eden and, (2) a direct descendant of Benjamin Franklin. One of Franklin's lesser known proverbs is "It is hard for an empty sack to stand upright". Likewise, Ms. Fugate, it is impossible for an inane script to stand on its own merit.

This film is enough to make everyone hate this particular holiday, something that Jessica Biel's character espouses by hosting an annual "I Hate Valentine's Day" party. We sympathize with you, Kara. Let's sum it up thusly: you're unlikely to ever have a more excruciating time at the movies.

Opinion: Huge Don't Bother!